Sinners all dead, God now killing fat fucks

Well, it's finally happened.

God has finished killing all the homosexuals, fornicators, abortion doctors, secularists, potheads, people who dance the "Lambada", Democrats, video game players, New York City intellectuals, unbaptized children, Teletubbies, ACLU members, rock musicians, unwed mothers, Muslims, and Larry Flynt. Now he's had to move on to killing the Moral Majority.

Surprisingly, this doesn't come in the form of their expected Rapture, but rather in the heart of one giant turd of a man giving out.

Yes, Jerry Falwell is dead and the small minority of self-righteous bigots who used to call themselves the "Moral Majority" are without their founder.

Some might say it's in poor taste (or even immoral) to speak ill of the dead. Even when the dead man in question was a hateful theocrat who set into motion the whole concept of the "Christian Right" in this country.

Those people are douchewads.

This is a man famous for such statements as this one about 9/11:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Speaking ill of others was his bread and butter, and it only seems right that his passing be celebrated in the way he lived his life.

So badmouth him with pride! Jerry Falwell was nothing but a waste of human flesh who went out of his way to demonize and alienate anyone whose behavior made him uncomfortable. He hid behind religion in order to bilk the gullible out of their hard earned money. He built up enough ill-gotten gains to fund an empire devoted to making non-Christians second-class citizens (if indeed citizens at all). He somehow got enough power to get most of the Republican politicians in this country suckling at his man-teat for an endorsement. He devoted his days to trying to make life for people like you and me (and the vast majority of Americans) impossible. And he had the fucking nerve to think he was not only "moral", but part of the "majority".

The fat fuck is dead, and I for one am pleased as punch. The world is a better place without him.

Also, extra bonus points for anyone who can guess which candidate in the Republican presidential debate tonight will mention him first (in praise, of course).

My money's on Mitt Romney. He's never met a group he wouldn't pander to, and theocratic bigots are his new bread and butter. I won't be watching, so someone let me know how it turns out.

Shocking news! Lisa Wong is Asian!

I don't generally read the Save Fitchburg blog these days. While it does seem to have a lively community of commenters, most of them strike me as being clinically insane.

However, I do read (or at least skim) the Fitchburg Pride and stumbled across its "Save Fitchburg Roundup" (Jason Lefferts of the FP also founded Save Fitchburg). The last time I looked at Save Fitchburg was shortly after Lisa Wong announced her candidacy for mayor, at which point commenting was moderated due to racist dipshits making idiotic remarks because she's Asian.

Good move on the part of the Save Fitchburg guys to go to moderating, but it didn't do much to make me think their commenters have improved any...

However, I was glad to see there was a pretty coherent comment by "Howdy's" which was quoted in part in the Fitchburg Pride:

[G]ender, ethnicity, age, etc SHOULD not be an issue with this election, but I believe it still will.

Yes, this is the 21st century….in Fitchburg.

I am 100% on board with Lisa. I am excited about the opportunity she brings, but…

There are many Fitchburg voters that will have a hard time getting beyond what they see.
I’m glad Lisa will make her “first” appearance in a “safe” environment. It will take a very polished Lisa to make many similar appearances all around the city to overcome the familiarity Mylott and Donnelly already have with the voting base. Change is hard, especially in Fitchburg. Lisa will need to make people comfortable with her while she is touting her credentials and vision

The "safe" environment mentioned is Wong's speech to an "Asian Pacific Islander even at the Statehouse". I don't know any more about that, but it's not really germane to what I'm talking about right now anyway. It does seem weird that it would be called "safe" just because of a shared heritage, but no matter...

Lisa Wong is a woman of Asian heritage. So fucking what?

Are people in Fitchburg that big a bunch of morons that they actually care one bit what ancestry a person has when choosing who to vote for as mayor? Some would apparently say yes, but oddly enough I seem to have a higher opinion of the voters of Fitchburg.

While "Howdy's" up there is well spoken, I actually totally disagree that Wong's racial heritage will matter one bit.

Who would it matter to, after all? Obviously it doesn't matter to me, it probably doesn't matter to you if you're reading this blog, and frankly I don't know a lot of people in general who actually have a problem with Asian people. Sure, the dicks who comment on Save Fitchburg (and get deleted) are racist, but they're hardly the voting majority. One or two morons don't speak for the masses. And while racism is definitely out there, I don't think it generally takes a form that would hurt Wong's mayoral campaign.

If her name was Lisa Al-Masri or something then maybe that would matter, because people actually feel quite comfortable being openly racist against Arabs these days, but who the hell hates Asians? A few crazed WWII veterans who wish we could go back to the days of internment camps for the Japanese, and that's about it. Most of the racism actually manifests in thinking that Asians are smarter than white folks, which I don't see as hurting Wong's chances. (It also manifests in a belief that Asian men have small penises, but again that shouldn't affect Miss Wong one bit.)

Perhaps there are reasons to vote against Wong. But her age, gender, or ethnicity aren't among them.

This post actually comes from a bigger frustration, which is the idiotic "Is America ready for a black/female president?" bullshit you see in polls dealing with Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Now it's represented on the local level as "Is Fitchburg ready for an Asian female mayor?"

The only people who seem to not be ready are the fucktards asking the question in the first place.

The rest of us have been ready for some time.

Sentinel desperately in need of "Community" news

In my occasional trawlings of the local newspapers I sometimes find something that's worth writing about. Far more often, however, I find something that just makes me snicker at how ridiculous the local news actually is.

It's not like I expect a lot from news, really. I haven't watched television news in at least a decade. The local newspapers are several orders of magnitude beneath television news (yes, even Fox News), but at least they're in print form and I can easily skim through the crap to get to those items that may have somehow retained a little tiny shred of dignity.

So I was skimming the Sentinel website today, and noticed the following enticing article linked on the front page:


Holy cow! You know that's got to be a good juicy story!

Understandably, I was all eager to read what would no doubt be some sort of old-fashioned moralizing about the evils of seeing boobies on the interweb. That could entertain me for 30 seconds or so.

Sadly, I discovered a couple of problems with this item of "Community" news...

First, it's really fucking old:


While it's good to see that the devoted editors of the Sentinel do indeed work at (exactly) 2 am, the nearly two and a half year-old nature of the item is less encouraging. Perhaps that one late night did them in for the next 28 months, but holy crap people, this is linked to your front page!

The article itself was a bit of a disappointment once I got to it. Apparently it's a pseudo-Ann Landers syndicated bit of drivel. The fun porn stuff was only the first of three letters to "Annie", and the response was boring.

Also, here's another problem:


Now, I'm sure that people in Manitoba have made-up problems that need answers from faceless syndicated columnists who don't have to answer to anybody just like everybody else, but this is in the "Community" section of the local newspaper. Manitoba is decidedly not local! If you wanted to drive there, this is the route you would have to take. That's a long drive, people.

What does all this mean to you and me, the loyal readers of the local press? It means it's time to take action! There are clearly far too few things going on in our own community to warrant mention. So it's time to start making the news!

Fathers, start looking at a lot more porn on the internets. I suggest you start with tentacle porn and work your way up. Make sure never to clear your cache or delete cookies or really make any attempt at all to cover what you did. Then let your teenage daughters use your computers. With any luck they'll discover your surfing habits and write a letter to the local paper about it. Then we'll have real community news!

Also, mothers, I suggest you become obese and get in car accidents.

There you go, a surefire way to get the Sentinel to actually put news from this community in the "Community News".

On a brighter note, at least the Fitchburg Pride is on the ball with their shocking "Breaking News" about some dude dumping leaves in the woods. Go Pride!

Give me a gun!

Aside from being really good at Duck Hunt on my old NES, I don't have much experience with guns.

I've never used so much as a BB gun, nevermind something that actually shoots real bullets. It's not that I'm really anti-gun or anything, I've just never had the exposure. I do think hunters are giant fuckwads, but that's mostly because I think anyone who kills animals for fun is a fuckwad. I give more respect to someone who strangles cats for fun, because at least they risk scratches. If you want to hunt, have the balls to do it hand-to-hand.

But I've fallen off-topic. The topic being the delightful letter to the editor I just now happened across in the Sentinel. Its title is "Atrocities could be stopped if people were armed", and the basic premise is that tragedies like what happened at Virginia Tech could be avoided if everybody and their grandma were armed.

Umm... okay. Let met allow the editorialist to speak for himself:

These cowards attack schools, post offices, and other places like this because they know that there is no one there to oppose them. If a principal, or faculty member, or office manager was known to be armed, these people wouldn't dare to set foot in the place. Even if they were armed with non-lethal weapons, such as tasers or mace, it would be a deterrent. These cowards cannot function if they are opposed.

Right on! Let's make sure everyone in schools and post offices are armed! Because having guns in everyone's hands will certainly reduce gun violence! After all, fights never break out in schools. And that whole "going postal" phrase certainly wasn't coined after a rash of postal employees killing people with guns! Good idea, crazy person!

The writer also brings out this awesome argument:

Our politicians and other bleeding hearts with their heads in the sand can only say, pass more laws against guns and the problem will go away. Hitler used the same approach and look what happened to the population when he disarmed them. Ask any Jew how it feels to have storm troopers come into your home and drag you out or burn you out and steal all you have and put you to death at their whim.

Woo! Hitler-based arguments are the best!

I was going to take his advice and ask a Jewish friend of mine how it feels to have storm troopers come into her home and drag her out and kill her, but then it occurred to me that she was born in 1976. Shockingly, there are Jewish people who didn't go through the Holocaust! Beware if you try to follow this advice, "any Jew" might not do!

Anyway, making fun of letters to the editor becomes dull quickly, so I'll wrap this up with a final thought...

Arming everyone in the world may actually not be the best way to reduce gun violence. Also, people who write letters to the editor are almost universally morons.

09F911029D74E35BD84156C5635688C0

Not much news really, but this random hexadecimal string came to me in a dream or something and it just seemed to belong as the title of a blog post. Go figure.

Wong is officially in the race now. Which is no surprise, but good to see. Will a candidate who I actually respect kill my normally-vitriolic blog? Stay tuned! Or don't!