Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Turtle Is A Narc!

Okay, it's the swarthy days of August and local politics are alternately boring and depressing, but not really interesting. Same deal with national politics. Which leaves me with little to write about.

John McCain not knowing how many homes he owns (the answer is seven) is pretty funny, but there's nothing to write about it beyond that. Plus it's funny in sort of a sad way. Like when my grandfather was cutting the Thanksgiving turkey back in 1994 or so and said something about "in this year of 1977..." Humorous, yes; but humorous in an old-guy's-mind-turning-to-pudding kind of way, which is sad.

Luckily, I stumbled across possibly the most important and captivating news of the year!

Read it here and be disturbed! I'll wait.

Back? Good.

If you were too lazy to click that link, the basic story is that someone growing pot plants out in the wilds of Washington DC was busted after a snitchy turtle wearing a wire GPS tracking device honed in on his crop! It's the turtle in the picture up there. The one with the smug look of self-satisfaction.

Never trust a turtle!

There was also this disturbing statement by someone-or-other (the police maybe? shitty reporting!):
"He felt like he had a layer of security, but he probably never counted on a turtle with a tracking device leading us to that location and finding the field."
Holy crap!

Anyway, this got me thinking. Nobody expects a GPS-enabled turtle to narc on their stash, which is what makes it so incredibly newsworthy. It's also what makes it ripe for creating an awareness campaign about the dangers of the herpetological war on drugs!

I hereby present some ideas to raise awareness of this new threat to our liberty (click images to embiggen)...

Here's a mockup of what might happen if this Drug War turtle encountered the severed (and apparently earthenware) heads of Cheech and Chong!


Next, we have here a LOLCat sort of thing that all the kids seem to like...

As if the nearly unstoppable destructive might of Gamera wasn't bad enough, now he's narcing on your stash!

The turtle in the story worked alone, but it's only a matter of time before they start teaming up dumpy cops with GPS-enabled turtles in order to steal people's bongs!

Be warned, you'll be seeing this sort of scene a lot in the coming years!

It gets worse. It's only a matter of time before the turtlenarc gets sloppy making a bust and someone gets killed.

Beware, citizens!