Let's justify our ridiculous overreaction with additional fearmongering!

Oh man...

I though the Sentinel's reaction to the goofy "bomb" incident in yesterday's paper was an improvement over their ridiculously overblown reaction to something similar in 2007. At least mostly.

But the police reaction to our new "bomb" was considerably stupider than the police reaction back then, so they need to cover their asses. So we get an ass-covering article today entitled Questions remain about homemade bombs found in Fitchburg. In it, everyone turns the stupidity up to 11.

Before I get down to business, I guess I'll start off with a disclaimer. I haven't examined these "bombs" and am really just relying on the reports for information about them.

So I'm using Occam's Razor here and going with the most parsimonious explanation, which is that they're drano and aluminum foil in a soda bottle, probably made by kids who wanted to create something that makes a loud noise. Because it's fun.

But I could be wrong! These bombs could be full of C4 and thermite! They're almost certainly not, but if something comes to light with further investigation that suggests these things are actually dangerous, I'll take this all back.

I don't expect that to happen.

Now, on to the stupid article. First a recap:

Police called in the State Police Bomb Squad, assigned to the office of the state Fire Marshal, when a homemade explosive device detonated shortly before 7 p.m. Wednesday, according to Fitchburg Police Sgt. Glenn Fossa. Fossa said the bomb squad used a robot to deactivate a second, similar device. Both devices were placed in plastic bottles before exploding, Fossa noted.

Scary! Look at those terms: "homemade explosive device," "detonated," "deactivate." Sure sounds like this thing was some sort of horrible bomb!

What bullshit. It's like calling a shaken-up bottle of soda an explosive device. Don't worry, though, you can "deactivate" that bottle just by waiting awhile. Also, please be careful not to detonate any balloons the next time you're at a birthday party.

Please also note that the devices were not "placed in plastic bottles before exploding." That sounds like there was something exploding inside the bottle and the bottle was just incidental. On the contrary, without a sealed bottle around the aluminum foil and drano, there would be nothing but some bubbles. The bottle is the most important part of the whole thing.

The Fire Marshal representative lady is more than willing to justify her department's budget by making things sound scary and using a lot of weasel words:

Jennifer Mieth, a spokeswoman for the state Fire Marshal's office, said devices like the ones found Wednesday can cause significant injury.

"If one goes off in your hand, you can lose some fingers," Mieth said. "They can burn you, they can affect your eyesight, and they also have the potential to cause property damage."

That's actually pretty hilarious.

While I wouldn't recommend holding one of these while it goes off, it's not the kind of thing that's going to make you lose fingers. Flimsy plastic bottles just don't have enough mass and this sort of weaksauce "explosion" doesn't create enough acceleration to hit you with the kind of force (F=ma) it would take to sever a finger. You could probably draw blood if you're unlucky, but no way are you going to "lose some fingers."

And yeah, you definitely don't want drano in your eyes, but that's true of pretty much everything. You don't want soda from your shaken-up "explosive device" in your eyes either. That's why you don't put your face near the thing.

As for property damage, yeah I can see how that would happen. It would only really work with paper-based property, though. If you have an early printing of the Gutenberg bible, please don't set off any drano bombs on top of it. Same goes for your extensive collection of erotic origami.

Look, here is a university science class's TERROR WEBSITE'S explanation of the reaction you're dealing with.

Basically you're dealing with scrubbing bubbles. They bubble inside a sealed plastic soda bottle, so the gas has nowhere to go. So it exerts pressure on the bottle. And with enough pressure, the bottle gives way and you get a loud noise. This is basically the same thing as overinflating a balloon.

Not exactly life-threatening stuff. But we have to make it seem scary!

Here's fearmonger Mieth again:

"Unfortunately, the information about how to make these devices is very common and easily attainable on the Internet, but what's not as attainable are the risks associated with making them," she said.

Oh my god, she's totally right!

I just found this incredibly detailed and specific set of instructions on this exact sort of thing for a high school chemistry class TERRORISTS!

But fret not, citizens, Sgt. Glenn Fossa will make certain that they spend lots of the city's money on trying to track down these mischevious teenagers VIOLENT CRIMINALS!

Fossa said such devices "are not particularly common for our area."

"Occasionally, someone will find an old grenade or a shell left in an old house, but something like this is less common," Fossa said.

Fossa said investigators will first analyze forensic evidence regarding the materials and methods used to construct the device, then move on to "sifting through more detailed and more specific evidence found at the scene."

"The first thing to look at is whether the devices were intended for police officers, and if not, what they were intended for," Fossa said.

Okay, first off "an old grenade or a shell" is absolutely nothing like what you're dealing with here. They're made of metal and have gunpowder in them. You know, actual explosives. They're potentially deadly. This thing isn't.

But Jesus, it sure sounds like they're keen on finding these evil but surprisingly inept terrorists. Probably because they think they're being targeted. Maybe they've seen too much nonsense on the internet about blowing up cars with drano bombs. It doesn't happen, guys.

Here, let me assist the FPD with their investigation. I'll provide the motive!

Ready?

Loud noises are fun. Explosions are fun. Science is fun. These things were set off for the same reason people set off fireworks: It's fun. That's what it was "intended for."

Now maybe you could spend your time and effort on things that don't involve trying to cover your asses after one of your officers got scared by a loud noise. Please?

History repeats itself, is even stupider the second time.

Back in 2007 I would sometimes write posts for Hello Fitchburg. Then one day I stopped because I am lazy, and Mr. Lincoln over there does just fine without me scuzzing the place up.

Anyway, one of those posts was entitled Scary Loud Pop Terrorizes Fitchburg.

I recommend you read it before continuing with this post, but the gist of it was that the Sentinel reported on a "tinfoil bomb" that made a loud noise and scared some people.

There's also a video over there where you can see how similar "bombs" work, and see for yourself that they're considerably less dangerous than say, dropping a glass in your kitchen.

Of course, 2007 was a simpler time. We were all scared of scary terrorists scaring us. Surely some overreaction was to be expected!

Now it's 2009, and what do we find in today's Sentinel?

Fitchburg Police: Bottle explodes near cruiser!!!!!!!!

Well, at least they're not calling it a "bomb" anymore. That's progress. Let's see what the article has to say:

A small explosion caused the State Police Bomb Squad to respond to a Myrtle Avenue incident Wednesday night, according to Deputy Fire Chief Robert Haley.

Holy fuck they called out the bomb squad! That totally negates the "not calling it a bomb" progress, plus some! This must have been bad!

Haley said police responded to a call of a disturbance on Myrtle Avenue shortly before 7 p.m. Wednesday night. He said when police arrived on scene, a small explosion occurred near a police cruiser.

"The officer on scene said the noise and percussion was quite great," he said.

Okay, that headline was sort of misleading. It doesn't sound like someone was trying to blow up a police cruiser with soda-bottle-based terror, the cruiser just parked near someone's toy at a bad time and the cop had apparently had too much coffee or something.

It gets worse:

Haley said police and fire on scene found another similar looking bottle in the street. He said they were filled with some sort of liquid and aluminum foil, which reacts, builds up pressure in a two-liter soda bottle and eventually explodes.

Fitchburg officials called in the State Police Bomb Squad from Devens to handle the second bottle they found.

"We didn't know what's in it, so, as a precaution, we call in the experts," Haley said.

Umm... you just said what was in it...

The liquid was probably Drano, by the way. Which is icky, but hardly a substance that requires the bomb squad. It probably would have been cheaper and quicker to call a plumber.

Two-liter soda bottles are also not known for causing particularly bad shrapnel. Unless you're handling the thing naked when it goes off, you're probably pretty safe.

This part makes me giggle:

State Police officials arrived around 8 p.m. and used a computerized robot to maneuver around the street. The robot traveled over to a green bottle sitting near some trash barrels to examine it. State Police controlled the robot from the back of a pickup truck using cameras mounted on the robot.

Yes, they used a bomb disposal robot (base cost: about $25,000, more with addons like cameras) to handle an old soda bottle with a piece of aluminum foil in it. Your tax dollars are well-spent!

Onward, dumb article!

The bottle did not immediately explode upon being agitated by the robot. Haley said State Police troopers and an officer from the State Fire Marshal's office eventually deactivated the second bottle to keep it from exploding by releasing pressure built up in the bottle.

Yes, they "deactivated" the second bottle. In other words, they unscrewed the cap.

Not that they actually needed to even do that. If the thing didn't explode during the whole arrive on scene, call bomb squad, wait for bomb squad to arrive, play with funny robot sequence, there was no way it was ever going to build up enough pressure to blow. Especially on such a cold night.

But, umm... TERROR!

Oh, here's a video of a similar device. Totally terrifying!



Man, did you see what that bottle-bomb did to that pile of leaves? It slightly messed them up! Also, I think those guys were foreigners due to their crazy pronunciation of "aluminum." Al Qaeda? Perhaps!

One last bit of the article:

He said Fitchburg Police and the State Fire Marshal are investigating the incident and where the bottles came from.

Thank god! Someone needs to protect us from these terrorists!

I want to see bomb squads at every science fair (vinegar & baking soda volcano = terror!)! I want robots picking up my recycling just in case one of the bottles is a secret IED! I want Pop Rocks outlawed! If someone overinflates his bicycle tire so it explodes, he should be sent to prison!

Now is the time, people! We must be vigilant against teenagers making loud noises that couldn't possibly hurt anybody! Otherwise Al Qaeda wins!