Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My Demand For Mayor Wong: Fix The Damn Weather!

Dear Mayor Wong,

It has come to my attention that there is inclement weather in Fitchburg. Not only that, but there are occasionally weather conditions that interfere with important things like driving buses and being able to walk down the road without slipping around and looking silly.

This will not stand!

As a young, idealistic mayor you've presented a bunch of interesting and creative ideas for improving Fitchburg. That's all well and good, but what's it going to get you when sudden ice storms cause me to slip and fall on my supple and widely-envied ass? A big fat nothing, that's what!

As a well-respected blogger, I join our community in asking--nay, demanding--that you fix the goddamn weather. Right now would be good, because I hear there may be a storm coming later this week.

Now, I've been told that you are of Chinese ancestry. Furthermore, I know that the Chinese government has elaborate weather control systems planned for use during the Olympics. Surely if a nation of 1.3 billion people can stave off a little light rain, a town of a mere 40,000 people can totally eliminate winter! We're much smaller than China! Do you have any connections in the Chinese government/Olympic committee that can help?

I've heard the arguments against this before: "Nobody can control the weather," "Invest in some good snow tires," "It's New England, get used to it," and on and on. These lame excuses (and oddly sensible advice) can no longer be tolerated!

You ran on a platform of changing things, getting rid of the old ways, and maybe some other stuff (fiscal responsibility? Beats me!). What's more of an "old way" than to have crappy winter weather? Let's get rid of it.

Perhaps you're thinking "Fitchburg is very hilly, there are bound to be some unavoidable difficulties in icy weather." Defeatist! Obviously the hills are a problem for snow removal and ice de-icing. So flatten them! I don't want to hear excuses, I want to see bulldozers out there pounding down the hills and filling in the valleys until everything is nice and flat.

If you can just take care of this one little request and keep Fitchburg a comfortable 72 degrees year-round you will go down in history as the greatest mayor Fitchburg has ever had. Otherwise you're a failure. Get to it!

The Unicow

PS Please redirect the inclement weather to Leominster. They're jerks.


the bartender said...

I'm confident Mayor Wong will have this weather thing well under control by June... July at the very latest.

stah said...

Reading your post brought my attention to this important citywide issue. Screw the budget, police chief decision, and a million other things that Mayor Wong is looking into. This weather thing should be on the top of her list!

This city has delt with lousy weather for as long as I've been alive. 35 years is long enough!

I just left Mayor Wong's office and told her of our major crisis. After slapping her head Chris Farley style and repeating "STUPID, STUPID, STUPID" over and over, she began to propose a plan.

Currently Mayor Wong is in discussion with an Asian company that specializes in retractable domes. We better hurry because once the state makes domes mandatory, and issues unfunded mandiates with obscene penalties for failure to comply, the cost of this thing will skyrocket!

Rest assured people, this issue has now taken top priority.

Now if she'd only address our evil goat problems......

ReallyRachel said...

stah said ... "Now if she'd only address our evil goat problems......"

Apparently she (or someone else) did.... Chuck Morse no longer pollutes the Fitchburg airwaves.

The weather solution can't be far away.