What did I find there? Why, I'm glad you asked!
I found five open jobs at the Sentinel & Enterprise. Now may be the time for a career change!
But what to do? Hmm, let's look at the jobs...
Okay, two listings for "Ace Reporter"... I don't know what that is. I assume it's the opposite of "Cub Reporter," so it's probably like Lois Lane and not Jimmy Olson (but wasn't he a photographer? Dammit.). Either way, they didn't really appeal to me. Sure, I'm "not only capable of covering meetings, but also digging for scoops and turning out features," but so is your average eighth-grader.
One listing for "Ace News and Sports Reporter." Hmm... that's like the same thing except with sports tacked on, which I'm not particularly interested in. Plus you don't have to just cover meetings, but "meetings and games," which is pretty dull.
Wait a second, here's one that's perfect!
A job opening for "Aggressive Reporter!" Just what I've been looking for! All my alcohol-induced fury can finally be channeled into prose instead of me just taking it out on the cat!
But am I fit for the job? Well, here's the listing...
The Sentinel & Enterprise, an award-winning daily newspaper in North Central Massachusetts, is looking for an aggressive general assignment reporter to focus on criminal justice and breaking news stories. Interested candidates should send resume, cover letter, references, work samples and salary requirements to Jeff McMenemy, Editor, The Sentinel & Enterprise, 808 Main St., Fitchburg, MA 01420.Yes, I am eminently qualified. All you have to be is aggressive, and I can be that after downing just a couple pints of gin! Also, who knew that "worst paper in Central Mass." is an award?
Of course, if all they want is an aggressive reporter, who even cares if you can write? Or fact-check? Or indeed have a brain at all?
On the other hand, I may face some stiff competition if I apply for this position. Maybe there's an ill-tempered Rottweiler or fighting cock out there who could snatch it away from me. I mean, I'm not that aggressive, and it's not like writing skills or research ability or anything will help me get the job. Crud, maybe it won't work out after all.
There is one position left though; the dull-sounding "News Editor." Yawn.
The Sentinel & Enterprise, an award-winning daily newspaper in North Central Massachusetts, has an immediate opening for a News Editor to run the pagination/copy desk for a growing and aggressive daily in North Central Massachusetts. Job responsibilities include working with the Editor to design daily pages, special projects and special sections. This is a second-shift position. The successful candidate must be a great designer and copy editor, who can also manage the desk staff.Well, I'm not a great designer or copy editor, but that's not what I'm excited about. I just learned that the Sentinel is a "growing and aggressive daily!"
So the whole paper is aggressive! Could that possibly be any more awesome?
Then again, they say it's "growing" too. Funny, I'd heard the opposite.
Still, aggression! That's what makes news, people! None of that pansy-assed sitting around learning the facts or investigating things carefully. That's for sissies and dirty liberals! Aggression is where it's at!
Thank you, Sentinel, for once again announcing to the world just where your priorities lay.