Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Suffer from fits of rage? You could work for the Sentinel!

Today I somehow found myself browsing through journalismjobs.com. This is a bit odd, since I'm not a journalist and already have a real job, but nevermind that.

What did I find there? Why, I'm glad you asked!

I found five open jobs at the Sentinel & Enterprise. Now may be the time for a career change!

But what to do? Hmm, let's look at the jobs...

Okay, two listings for "Ace Reporter"... I don't know what that is. I assume it's the opposite of "Cub Reporter," so it's probably like Lois Lane and not Jimmy Olson (but wasn't he a photographer? Dammit.). Either way, they didn't really appeal to me. Sure, I'm "not only capable of covering meetings, but also digging for scoops and turning out features," but so is your average eighth-grader.

One listing for "Ace News and Sports Reporter." Hmm... that's like the same thing except with sports tacked on, which I'm not particularly interested in. Plus you don't have to just cover meetings, but "meetings and games," which is pretty dull.

Wait a second, here's one that's perfect!

A job opening for "Aggressive Reporter!" Just what I've been looking for! All my alcohol-induced fury can finally be channeled into prose instead of me just taking it out on the cat!

But am I fit for the job? Well, here's the listing...
The Sentinel & Enterprise, an award-winning daily newspaper in North Central Massachusetts, is looking for an aggressive general assignment reporter to focus on criminal justice and breaking news stories. Interested candidates should send resume, cover letter, references, work samples and salary requirements to Jeff McMenemy, Editor, The Sentinel & Enterprise, 808 Main St., Fitchburg, MA 01420.
Yes, I am eminently qualified. All you have to be is aggressive, and I can be that after downing just a couple pints of gin! Also, who knew that "worst paper in Central Mass." is an award?

Of course, if all they want is an aggressive reporter, who even cares if you can write? Or fact-check? Or indeed have a brain at all?

On the other hand, I may face some stiff competition if I apply for this position. Maybe there's an ill-tempered Rottweiler or fighting cock out there who could snatch it away from me. I mean, I'm not that aggressive, and it's not like writing skills or research ability or anything will help me get the job. Crud, maybe it won't work out after all.

There is one position left though; the dull-sounding "News Editor." Yawn.

But wait!
The Sentinel & Enterprise, an award-winning daily newspaper in North Central Massachusetts, has an immediate opening for a News Editor to run the pagination/copy desk for a growing and aggressive daily in North Central Massachusetts. Job responsibilities include working with the Editor to design daily pages, special projects and special sections. This is a second-shift position. The successful candidate must be a great designer and copy editor, who can also manage the desk staff.
Well, I'm not a great designer or copy editor, but that's not what I'm excited about. I just learned that the Sentinel is a "growing and aggressive daily!"

So the whole paper is aggressive! Could that possibly be any more awesome?

Then again, they say it's "growing" too. Funny, I'd heard the opposite.

Still, aggression! That's what makes news, people! None of that pansy-assed sitting around learning the facts or investigating things carefully. That's for sissies and dirty liberals! Aggression is where it's at!

Thank you, Sentinel, for once again announcing to the world just where your priorities lay.


Abacquer said...

They'd never be interested in you, sorry. Not because you aren't suffering from fits of rage, but more likely because you might suffer from fits of journalistic integrity, and that would really get in the way of being a conservative tool. Besides you don't specialize in fiction, right?

The Unicow said...


Okay, let me try this...

Liberals hate single fathers for some reason!

How's that? Might I get a job now?

1970s Abraham Lincoln said...

How's that? Might I get a job now?

Not a chance. Everyone knows liberals hate two-parent families. Unless they're same-sex parents, of course.

Erica said...

What's Ted Desalvatore up to these days? It's the only job in the world for which he'd be perfect!

1970s Abraham Lincoln said...

What's Ted Desalvatore up to these days? It's the only job in the world for which he'd be perfect!

I've actually been wondering the same thing. Last I heard (I think this was in the Sentinel) he was thinking of opening a computer repair place.

The Unicow said...

He was also considering trying to get on a possible charter review committee (also per the Sentinel). Along with Donnelly, Seney, Allaire, and probably everyone else who has ever lost an election in this town.

Abacquer said...

I'd gladly take my computer to Ted's computer shop. I'd take it even if it wasn't broken. I'd just choose a good startup screen and then shut it off and take it to him for kicks. He'd flip it on, and it would say "YOU PUSHED MY BUTTONS" and then he could throw it down the stairs.

Wait maybe that isn't such a good idea.

the bartender said...

Really. Leave poor Ted alone. He's any easy target, but completely irrelevant. I so wish I was a better speller. It drives me nuts. It's the vowels. irrelevent or irrelevant? Arrgh. And it's constant.... there's vowels, in, like, every word... But I still stumble on spelling errors in the Sentinel, sometimes on the front page. If I can find a spelling error, you know it's obvious! Maybe I should apply to be the copy editor? What do you think?