Monday, December 01, 2008

Merry War on Christmas!

Over the last few days, you may have noticed the media talking about Christmas. This is something they do incessantly for an entire month, because it's easier than doing actual journalism.

It generally starts off on Thanksgiving, with a big lie. Namely, the claim that the day after Thanksgiving ("Black Friday") is the biggest shopping day of the year. It's not.

That's followed by the claim that today ("Cyber Monday") is the busiest online shopping day of the year. It's just another lie created by a retailer's association. But it gives media puppets something to talk about.

And really, isn't the whole point of the season to lie? There's the lie about Jesus being born on December 25, which biblical scholars know quite well is not true. And let's not ignore the massive Santa Claus lie that we foist on children for some reason. I don't honestly know why, besides tradition. I guess someone in history thought lying to little kids sounded like a fun time.

There are also all the little pseudo-lies. Pretending you actually like your coworkers enough to attend a Xmas party with them. Ditto for your family. There's the pathetic mask of forced happiness people feel obligated to put on, and the month of pretending that they actually give a shit about their fellow man. It's the season of insincerity.

But the most awesome lie of all is the whole imaginary persecution complex that is the "War on Christmas."

As ridiculously made-up as it is, the far right is nuts about this "War on Christmas." The rest of the country pretty much ignores it and goes on with their lives. Still, we'll encounter idiotic editorials like this one and whatever Jeff McMenemy has brewing.

From the stupidly-spelled Liberty Counsel, we also get this awesome Naughty or Nice list, in which they tell you where to shop based on important factors like whether or not the store yells the word "Christmas" at you repeatedly.

Look how awful these store are!
Circuit City – Web site: Winter snow scene on home page and “Beat the Holiday Rush.” No mention of Christmas.

Honey Baked Ham – Report: “HOLIDAY was written everywhere!! Nothing about CHRISTMAS. I asked and was told the usual ‘we don't want to offend anyone.’”
What assholes! How dare they not use the words the Liberty Counsel prefers? The nerve!

That "usual" statement about not offending anyone is obviously made up. The only people who actually think anyone gets offended by the word "Christmas" are the wingnuts who want to force it down everyone's throat. Nobody else really cares. The fact that there's actually a store called Honey Baked Ham is apparently true, and sort of depressing.

What exactly am I getting at with this overly-long introduction?

Easy. I am going to join the forces behind the War on Christmas, and I want everyone to join me! We will be culture warriors! The best among us might get medals, or ribbons or something!

But we'll never win this war without a plan, so here are some ideas on how best to wage War on Christmas along with me and my army of evil secularists:

Situation: Some Christmas-lover mentions his "Christmas tree."
Response: You might think the correct response is to demand he call it a "Holiday tree." Wrong! The word "holiday" comes from "holy day", which is totally not in keeping with our secular War on Christmas! Instead, demand that he refer to it as his "house tree of probable Teutonic origin."

Situation: Someone says "Merry Christmas" to you.
Response: If the person saying it is unaware that you're in the anti-Xmas secularist army, stick with the standard of getting offended that they used the word "Christmas" and demand that they apologize for their rude behavior.
If the person saying it knows that you're a warrior for the WoC, chances are that they're saying this to try to provoke you. This makes them an enemy combatant, and you are therefore entirely justified if you stab them in the throat.

Situation: You have to go shopping, but don't want to put up with any "Christmas" nonsense.
Response: Use that "Naughty or Nice" list to determine where to shop, but only shop at the places that hate Jesus. Make sure you tell the cashier that you're shopping there because you consider them an ally in the War on Christmas. Cashiers are very interested in such things.

Situation: Your Christmas-loving neighbor has just put up a big ugly nativity scene on his lawn.
Response: Get him one of these:

Then send a letter to the local black churches telling them they should probably watch out for that guy.

Situation: You realize the whole War on Christmas thing is a total scam made up by people who just want to promote their own theocratic vision of America by trying to exclude any non-Christians from being involved in a seasonal celebration.
Response: To hell with it. Christmas is totally a secular holiday at this point anyway. You don't have to be a Christian to celebrate it. So we've already won. Congratulations!

Good luck, soldiers!