Monday, February 23, 2009

A compendium of stupid newspaper articles, rewritten

Holy cow!

There has been so much horror in the S&E over the last few days that I don't even have one article I can take and pull out and say "Look at the dumb newspaper people ha ha ha."

So here's a whole bunch of articles, condensed for your enjoyment. I even read some of them!

Woman held for throwing knives at boyfriend

Generally when you see a knife-throwing act, it is a man throwing knives at a scantily-clad woman on a giant spinning wheel. A Leominster couple decided to reverse these gender roles (sexy!), with the woman throwing knives at the man, who was probably scantily-clad. There is no mention of the giant wheel, because of shoddy reporting.

Sadly, the secret to successful knife-throwing is to not hit the target. This secret was neglected, and now the knife lady is being held. Possibly by clowns, though we dearly hope not.

Does this signal a crackdown on people performing circus acts in their own homes? Let's hope so! Clown sex is gross.

Decision on SUV shows Patrick, state officials out of touch with constituents

This editorial makes the iron-clad argument that state officials should not be allowed to purchase vehicles.

The argument in a nutshell:
  1. The State Police bought a new hybrid SUV.
  2. This SUV is for security for Deval Patrick, and maybe some visiting dignitaries.
  3. Deval Patrick is a Democrat.
  4. Democrats are a bunch of jerks!
  5. Therefore, Deval Patrick getting to ride in this SUV proves that he's a jerk!
QED, bitches!

Pop's decree tests officials

Still reeling from bad press over un-excommunicating (recommunicating?) some Holcaust-denying bishop, Pope Benedict XVI has decided to adopt a truth-in-advertising approach to public relations.

As such, he now decrees that he be referred to not as Pope Benedict XVI, but as simply "Pop." He feels that this will better convey the Catholic church's deeply patriarchal vision of the world.

In this article, we also learn the views of local politicians on this quote from John F. Kennedy:
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the President (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote, where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference, and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the President who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.
The local politicians disagree. They think what Pop tells them to think. Especially Claire Freda, who left the Democratic party rather than go against the decrees of Pop.

Sorry, JFK!

Time for Unitil to leave, according to local resident

This letter to the editor takes the controversial stance that Unitil is not an awesome utility company.

Teenage deaths should send message

The Sentinel's well-documented obsession with things "sending messages" has finally reached its inevitable outcome: the murder of all that is good.

At least that's what I assume. The idea that this newspaper would use the tragic deaths of some kids to promote their strictly-defined rule system for how to be a good little conservative is too ghoulish and repugnant for me to actually read this article.

Fuck you, Sentinel. Just fuck you.

Westminster to hold facial hair competition

Surprisingly, Westminster turns out to be awesome.

The End