Friday, August 31, 2007

Now Donnelly's Got an Op-Ed!

Man, Donnelly is all over the place these days!

In keeping with their four-part series, today the Fitchburg Pride has an opinion piece by Tom Donnelly. Find it here.

I'll confess right off, it's much harder to write stuff about Donnelly, Dionne, and Wong than it is to write stuff about DeSalvatore. They're much less crazy, and don't have his propensity for saying mindbogglingly stupid things. Those things are easy to write about, because they're interesting.

Which is one thing I'll give Ted. Everyone else is super boring compared to him. What with their sound ideas and lack of any discernible mental disorders... Dull!

Anyway, Donnelly wrote an Op-Ed. It's boring and sane, but I'll do my best to make fun of it anyway. It's what I do...
Fitchburg has been my home for over 45 years. My wife Joanne and I have raised our family and operated Donnelly Property Management, a successful business providing quality residential housing in various Fitchburg neighborhoods, for over 25 years. I graduated from St. Bernard's High School and received a bachelor's of science in secondary education from Fitchburg State College in 1972.
Honestly, this is one of my biggest concerns about Donnelly. As far as I can tell, the man's never left town. Some may see that as a strength ("He knows Fitchburg!), but I just think it's weird.

High school here, college here, adult life here. Obviously he likes Fitchburg, but what the hell? Does anybody really love their hometown that much that they don't want to ever leave it? Not even for college? To experience new things? Meet new people?

Meh, whatever.

Donnelly does the usual candidate thing. Going over his history and qualifications and whatnot. Then he gets into the issues a little bit.
Public safety and law enforcement go hand-inhand [sic] with maintaining safe neighborhoods for our citizens and our children. Like many urban communities Fitchburg is challenged by criminal elements disrupting the rule of law for their own illegal purposes. As mayor, I will support the capture and prosecution of these individuals to the fullest extent. Where federal jurisdiction exists, I support prosecuting criminals in federal court where longer sentences are available.
"Their own illegal purposes"??? That's a weird thing to say, Tom.

I've disrupted the rule of law before (as has everyone), and it wasn't for "illegal purposes". No, my purposes were entirely legal!

Truthfully, you could stab someone in the eye and still have a legal purpose. Maybe you wanted to see if eyes bleed red or if that gross almost-clear eye goo is all that comes out. That's legal to wonder about. I'm wondering about that right now, and it's perfectly legal for me to do so.

Also, I'm no legal scholar but I'm pretty sure that when there's federal jurisdiction, the Feds just do what they want. They don't really need your permission.

Donnelly continues:
Capturing and punishing criminals is not enough in any urban city, including Fitchburg. We must also act to prevent crimes before they occur. This can be achieved with comprehensive planning, including placing more officers on the street and an effective "neighborhood policing" effort emphasizing prevention as well as arrest and prosecution. Police officers working in neighborhoods can reach out to residents, building trust and gaining valuable information to prevent crimes before they occur.
Fucker. Your almost-nuanced understanding of how to deal with crime is inconvenient to me! And your redundant "urban city" phrase is not funny enough to address beyond this sentence!

Of course, Donnelly is right about the crime thing, and this is where he should be focusing. Prevention works much better than punishment. He would be better off focusing less on the police and more on community involvement, but the basic idea is a sound one.

He goes on to detail some stuff about finances. Still boring.

You know, maybe that's part of the problem. Most of the sane mayoral candidates are pretty damn boring. Because politics and reasonable ideas and stuff like that is all pretty boring.

So here are some ideas for Tom to be less boring and spice up the campaign!
  • Start dressing like a pirate, complete with a parrot on your shoulder. But don't talk like a pirate, or people will think you're crazy.
  • Pretend you're an albino, and anytime you step out into the sun start screaming. This also works if you pretend you're a vampire.
  • Wear a giant foam cowboy hat. Refuse to explain why.
  • Legalize (and regulate) prostitution. It's stupid that it's illegal and taxing it would bring lots of money to town. Also, it would make a lot of people freak out.
  • Ditto for marijuana.
  • Tell people that you have a third nipple. If you don't actually have a third nipple, get one.
  • Make campaign signs that are like those "magic eye" pictures where you have to stare all crazy-eyed at them to see the image.

That's all I got.



1970s Abraham Lincoln said...

Wear a giant foam cowboy hat. Refuse to explain why.

I take it you've seen Kenneth Biagoni.

fitchburg-shuffle said...

You're trying to hard! Some people are much easier to make fun of than others! You clearly stated that. I LOVE the effort but this candiate is tough to rip on, from a humor standpoint.

Hey, didn't you know that Tom was a "slumlord"? Thanks to Ted, that word is now part of the Fitchburg Glossary. It's right up there with "painting the rock" "Red Raider" and "Cleghorn" Someone should really begin writing a book about this guy. It could become an Emmy winning sitcom or a cult favorite!

When is the last time that you saw someone use the word glossary? I may be trying to hard myself.

JustSayNoToDeSalvo said...

Once the primary is over and we can dispense with Ted's attention grabbing antics, we will be able to compare the two candidates head to head on the issues and platforms.

I for one am eagerly looking forward to the race between Donnelly and Wong: steady, slow father figure and the bright, promising daughter figure.

Of course, if they let those darned signs vote it will be jokers wild!

Nowoco said...

The DPW may have stepped in -- the chorus line of Desalvo signs marching down route 31 has been removed and rearranged. I'm still seeing way too many on public thoroughfares....

brian said...

Isn't it clever how the signs are red, white and blue? very subtle way to prove what a patriot he is.

by the way:

here you can see Ted fumble through copy he wrote. it is so weird how worked up he is by the end!