Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Liveblogging pre-recorded television!

I suspect liveblogs are a scam to get extra pagehits. This is something I should be a part of!

As such, I am going to liveblog tonight's "Chronicle" featuring Lisa Wong (and um... Fitchburg). To make it an extra challenge, I'm going to do it on my tiny Eee-PC, which is hard to type on. Also, I never watch television, so it's a little challenging just to find the channel.

Anyway, here goes!

7:29: Hey, I found the right channel! "Inside Edition" is on and has Bush singing. Yuck.
7:31: Is my clock fast? There are a lot of commercials on, but no Fitchburg-lovin'!
7:31: Okay, it's on. And they mentioned the fucking "martini bar" in the first five seconds. Is that the only thing we have? It's nice and all, but I'm sick to death of hearing about it.
7:33: Lack of community pride? Fuck you, Chronicle!
7:33: Hey, Lisa's on! Did you know she's 5'2". Ha, shorty!
7:34: Now they're talking about all Wong's ideas. She said "Fit and Fun in Fitchburg," which is a slogan I'm not crazy about.
7:35: Now some old douchey-looking guy from UMass Lowell is doomsaying. Bad economy, blah blah blah. Go back to Lowell, professor smarty-pants!
7:36: Elm street looks really shitty, but they have a church where grown men with goatees play Connect-4. This is "part of Mayor Wong's vision!"
7:37: Beardy McDouche is back and just said that if Wong can fix the city she "should be president." Wong/Clinton '16!
7:38: Going to a commercial break. Good, I need to pee and grab a beer.
7:39: Holy crap that was a quick commercial break! Luckily I'm quick at peeing and getting drunk (not always in that order).
7:40: Wong just called an old building "both a challenge and an opportunity." Isn't there some urban legend about a Kanji character that means both of those? Or was it crisis and opportunity? Whatever.
7:41: Ron Ansin is on now. He's an okay guy who does a lot of good things for Fitchburg. But doesn't the Ansin family own Channel 7? Traitor!
7:42: Holy crap Fitchburg has geothermal heating/cooling in it? That's awesome!
7:42: Have you heard of Mzeal communications? They're in Putnam Place apparently. I wonder what the hell they do, but apparently the teevee isn't going to tell me.
7:43: Anchors on before the commercial break. They have a pretty sweet gig, like 90 seconds of appearing on camera saying nothing important, then they cut either to a commercial or back to whoever did the actual work coming out to Fitchburg. Lazy-ass anchors.
7:46: We're back! Wong envisions Main Street becoming like Mass Ave or Newbury Street. That would be quite nice. Yes please.
7:47: Hey, Matt Straight is on! People used to accuse me of being him! He apprently owns some fancy hotel/apartment/condo thing in the Johnsonian building that looks pretty nice. Man, now I wish I was him (or at least had his money).
7:48: College students talking!
7:48: "It's not as bad as everyone makes it out to be." Bravo, student!
7:49: Hey, that was awfully brief. There were like 12 people in that panel and they talked to maybe two!
7:49: The Design at 639 lady is on. I've met her before. She's nice, but I can't relate to her.
7:50: There's a total theme of people saying they like Fitchburg but everyone they talk to makes fun of them for being in Fitchburg. Jerks.
7:50: DeStare is on! Martini bar, woohoo!
7:51: "We really wanted to bring a bit of Las Vegas to central Massachusetts." Sorry, DeStare dude, I don't see any strippers in your establishment. Work on that please.
7:52: Yeah, so a bunch of the students plan on leaving Fitchburg after they graduate. Good! That's what college students are supposed to do, dammit!
7:52: Now the anchorheads are talking about how Fitchburg has such great deals in the housing market. Sweet! Please buy my property, Boston-area viewers! And on to the commercials...
7:55: Oh crap, back from commercial and annoying Mike Barnicle is on. I don't care for him.
7:56: "Blah blah blah I'm Mike Barnicle and I'm boring and have no neck."
7:57: Shut up Mike Barnicle! You're too negative and blobby.
7:57: And it's over. Well, that was boring.


the bartender said...

Matt Straight makes me nauseous. He was fined by the state ethics commission for abusing his position as city councilor and there he is supposedly representing the future of Fitchburg. He has no shame. I hope he slithers back into whatever hole he's been in for the past year or two. What a snake.

1970s Abraham Lincoln said...

Mike Barnacle may not have a neck, but he makes up for it in torso.

stah said...

Thanks to the fine folks at FATV, I got a copy of the show. Even though there was a lot of stuff left out, I thought that the show was very positive. My co-workers, who live all over Worcester County, thought that it reflected well on us. These are the people who continuously bash Fitchburg only because of the negative press and the fact that we work in a jail and many of our inmates have North County addresses.

Barnacle's comments weren't as bad as I thought. I only wish that he used his soapbox to end his editorial with an optimistic view for our future instead of compairing the city to every other mill town that has financial problems. My dad graduated from FHS with him and I don't think he was too crazy about him, then or now.

Nice job with the running diary Unicow! I hope you got the chance to see the show again.

The Unicow said...


Agreed. It seems that Fitchburg suffers from an image problem almost more than it suffers from anything else.

Happily, Mayor Wong seems to be doing a fantastic job of turning that around. There's been the Globe article, the WBUR program, Chronicle, etc. All generally positive, even if there are a few doomsayers who get thrown into the mix (for "balance," I suppose).

Yes, I know we have a terrible goat problem to deal with, but otherwise it's not so bad a place!

stah said...

I gotten over my fear of goats. I may have exagerated my position on the reality of such a problem.

My latest wildlife issue is with some of the huge crows that I've seen lately. I'm afraid to take my daughter outside! I don't want to be a character in some Poe-like novel. Those suckers are scary looking!

I've been having trouble convincing my fellow councilors of the problem. They think I've been hanging around too many manure piles.

Be warned Fitchburg! Protect your children from these vulcan creatures!