Friday, March 27, 2009

Attack of the Vampire Schoolgirls!

Hey everyone, listen up! It's time to start stockpiling garlic and crosses, because there's an outbreak of vampirism in Boston!

I've learned this from an article in the Boston Globe entitled "Vampire rumors spur alert at Boston Latin - on bullying". Witness the horror!
Boston Latin School headmaster Lynne Mooney Teta issued a notice to parents and students yesterday quashing rumors of vampires at the school. An odd move for the head of a historic elite preparatory school, but Teta and Boston public school officials declined to elaborate on what triggered the unusual message.

They did, however, adamantly offer assurances that no one at the school has been hurt, arrested - or bitten.
You can't quash rumors without elaborating, dummy. That just intensifies rumors! And good thing, too, because the vampire menace must not be ignored.

Please note that they say no one at the school has been hurt or bitten. What about the community, I ask? If there are vampire schoolgirls, then I'm not so much worried about the students (there is probably a cute blonde vampire slayer in the student body, after all), I'm worried about the community at large!

Let's get to the bottom of this. Do we need to be posting additional guards outside blood banks or not?
Two law enforcement officials with knowledge of the incident said a group of girls at the school had been bullying at least one other student who likes to dress in Goth-style, a vampirish look popularized by musician Marilyn Manson. The officials said the girls began spreading a rumor that the student was a vampire who had cut someone's neck and sucked the blood.
Well, thank Jesus that these brave prep-school cunts had the foresight to ostracize and torment this evil vampire who may or may not listen to a washed-up musician whose music was more industrial than goth! Can you imagine what would happen if these "Visigoths" were allowed to run free, smearing their damn eyeliner all over the place and feasting on human blood? It would be bedlam!

What's worse, it looks like the headmaster lady may indeed be a vampire herself!
"It has come to my attention that rumors involving 'vampires' began spreading through the building yesterday," it said.

"I am very concerned that the safety of certain students may be jeopardized as targets of rumors and speculation," she wrote. "Please alert any adult in the building if you feel that any student is being harassed or targeted."
Yeah, right. Don't fall for it, students! Teta is one of them! If you try to report "bullying" of vampires, it'll be the last thing you ever do.

Obviously some students have noticed that their school is turning into a vampire picnic, and have tried to draw attention to the fiendish culprits, by being assholes to them. That's not "harassment," it's saving the human race!

It gets worse!
One student who contacted the Globe said a male student, rumored to be a werewolf, had threatened on Facebook to bring a gun to school because he was being harassed.
Okay, you know the NRA is just totally out of control when even known werewolves are allowed to buy guns. I support the second amendment and all, but you have to draw the line somewhere!

We must be alert to these lycanthropic dangers, because it appears the parents are dropping the ball (as usual):
John Maguire, who was picking up his 13-year-old at the school yesterday afternoon, said he didn't know there was an issue about vampire rumors until his son told him yesterday. He said he laughed it off.

"C'mon, a vampire in the school? Don't you think that's a little woo-hoo?" he said, pointing to his head.
First off, "John" (if that is your real name), the proper sound for crazy is "woo-woo," not "woo-hoo." "Woo-hoo" is an exclamation of joy, as in "Woo-hoo! I just escaped a deadly gun-toting werewolf!" Dumbass.

Second, "John," you have just established yourself firmly as the first guy who will get eaten. It's always the doubter who goes first. If you're black, you're in even more trouble. Sorry, that's just the way it goes. It serves you right for asking questions.

"But where's the evidence?", you might ask. I don't actually recommend asking that question unless you want to end up disemboweled like "John" up there, but fine. Here's your evidence, smarty science pants!
Students leaving Boston Latin yesterday said rumors about students claiming to be vampires, or more specifically "half-vampires," have been circulating for months. Several said two or three female students at the school carry umbrellas in all weather to avoid exposure to the sun.
How do you like that, doubters? Full vampires can't go in the sun, even with an umbrella, but half-vampires are much better at tolerating the sun without bursting into flames. All they need are umbrellas to walk among us! There could be no other possible reason for someone to avoid sun exposure.

Pictured: A Vampire!

Sadly, not all students are as intelligent as the "rumor"-starters. To wit:
Seventeen-year-old Davis Murphy said he heard that some students claiming to be half-vampires were draining their blood to make their skin paler or had claimed they could fly.

"No one bullies them," he said, laughing. "We just want to know why they're vampires."
Oh, Davis, you don't even know what a vampire is, do you? The whole turning-into-a-bat thing is a myth. Vampires can't fly, and they don't need to make their skin paler. Their skin is pale because they're dead. Haven't you learned anything in that fancy school? Stupid boy.

I'm glad to hear that you don't bully them, Davis, but are merely asking why they're vampires (presumably while giving them wedgies and calling them "fags"). But if you don't even know what makes someone a vampire, then you can't be trusted to fight them. Leave it to the professionals, please.

Okay, let's wrap this up:
"There's no bullying here," [senior Victoria] Browne said. "It's just that everybody is really weirded out."
And who can blame them?

I mean, there are students half-vampires in the school who look and act differently from everybody else. That sure freaks me the fuck out! And it's an almost certain indication that they're undead soulless demonspawn who deserve whatever treatment they get.

Now is the time, patriots! Rise up against this undead menace, and fight so that future generations won't have to be made uncomfortable by people hell-demons who are slightly different from them.

Do it for the (non-vampire) children!