I hereby present to you the best thing ever. It's even funded with your tax dollars!
I think I'm going to start using the phrase "practice juggling machetes" as a synonym for "masturbate."
I'd also like to point you to this article by a nice reporter lady who also became an abstinence "educator." If it didn't cost $50, I'd be inclined to do so myself.
Reverend Unicow, Licensed Abstinence Educator would be great on a business card.
* [Honestly, I don't think he's a clown. He's actually a pretty decent juggler who just dresses like an idiot. But "Derek The Abstinence Juggler Who Dresses Poorly" doesn't have the same ring to it.]