Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Yet Another Abstinence Clown!

Oh my. This is just remarkable.

It's an article from the Catholic News Service. In it, leaders in the Catholic Church whine about people making fun of the pope. Apparently, mocking decrepit old virgins in fancy dresses and funny hats is a sin or something.
Mockery is not acceptable in public discussions, especially when the subject is the pope, said the president of the Italian Catholic bishops' conference.
Oh, this is going to be fun...
"We will not accept that the pope, in the media or anywhere else, is mocked or offended," said Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco of Genoa, opening the spring meeting of the permanent council of the Italian bishops' conference.
Bad news, Angelo! See, you really don't have a choice.

While it's pretty unlikely that I'll ever have the opportunity to directly offend the pope, I can (and do) mock him pretty much whenever I feel like it. In fact, anyone can go right ahead and mock the pope, at least in countries where freedom of speech is respected.

What's even better than the ridiculous "you must not mock this old fart" complaint is that they're complaining about people criticizing the pope for things he absolutely should be criticized for!
He said the public criticism began in January when the pope lifted the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops belonging to the Society of St. Pius X, including a bishop who denied the extent of the Holocaust, and continued into March when Pope Benedict said the distribution of condoms was not the key to stopping the spread of AIDS.
Ethics quiz! Which of these is the most evil?
  1. Making fun of some guy.
  2. Giving support to a bunch of blatant anti-Semites.
  3. Lying to millions of people who believe you to be infallible, and in so doing discouraging them from doing something that could save their life, thereby condemning at least some of them to disease and eventual death.
Now, I'd personally rank #3 as the most evil, with #2 being pretty evil, but not deadly, and #1 not even really qualifying as "evil" at all. But I don't get my morals from an ancient PR pamphlet for a nonexistent deity, so I could be wrong.

What does the cardinal have to say?
The cardinal said the Italian bishops would continue asking people "to never abandon the language of respect, which is an indication of civility" even when they disagree with him.
How handy, I just had a quick post about civility. Thanks for proving my point!
The pope represents "a moral authority" in the world, which his March trip to Africa highlighted once again, he said.
That would be the trip on which he claimed that condoms "can even increase the problem" of AIDS.

I guess I'll need someone more deeply schooled in the Catholic faith to explain to me how that statement isn't a lie. Because I'm pretty sure lying is considered immoral even within the Catholic church. I'd have to check my Bible to be sure, but I think there may even be a commandment or something about it!
The bishops defended Pope Benedict as "the most loved and respected spiritual leader of Catholics all over the world." They argued that the world had received with respect his views on the recession, terrorism and moral issues such as AIDS and abortion.

The pope has often urged the world to become "more God-fearing while building a society based on humanitarian values and moral principles of life," they said.
Apparently "principles of life" is some sort of secret code for "dying from a horrible and totally preventable disease, just because this old Nazi is scared of vaginas."

But enough of this silly press release. Let's get down to business: how does the pope compare to Derek the Abstinence Clown?

Well, they both dress ridiculously! If anything, the pope dresses even more ridiculously than Derek.

Benny the Abstinence Clown

How about skills? Derek can juggle pretty decently. I'm still trying to figure out what skills the pope might have. If he can juggle, he keeps it to himself. Is being really fucking scary looking considered a skill?

I'll call it a draw. The pope must have some skill to get elected pope, right? He probably throws great parties in his rectory or something. Oh, I know, he gives a hell of a salute!

How about sexiness? Well, obviously the pope was a total hottie back when he was a young man. Derek the Abstinence Clown is still relatively young, and is not a hottie at all.


Derek the Abstinence Clown preaches about abstinence, but it's possible that at some point he actually found someone stupid/desperate enough to fuck him.

Not the pope, though! Benny the Abstinence Clown would lose his job if anyone were stupid enough to fuck him. Luckily, he looks like a moldy piece of beef jerky these days, so he's probably safe.

Looks to me like Derek is winning... wait... HOLY CRAP WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???

I take it all back. Making fun of the pope is dangerous!