Friday, October 10, 2008

Open letter to local criminals

Dear local criminals,

Hey there! How's it going?

Probably not too great, because you keep robbing banks like idiots. And trying to escape on bicycles, apparently.

Look, I'm not much of a criminal mastermind or anything, but I have seen a lot of movies. Not once in all those movies did a bank robber successfully escape on a bicycle.

See, you can't carry a lot on a bicycle. So you can't get a lot of loot. Because if you do, it makes it hard to ride the bicycle. So the more successful the robbery itself is, the worse a getaway vehicle it becomes. If you shoplift a chapstick or something it's great, but not so good for bank robbery!

You also want to retreat to a safe location far from your targeted bank after a robbery, which is more difficult on a bicycle. This is important! If you live on a street that intersects the street the bank is on, you're too close to home!

You want to rob a bank that's at least several towns away. Several states, if possible. Not one that's conveniently down the road. If you're worried about convenience, you really shouldn't be robbing a bank in the first place. As a rule of thumb, don't rob any location within comfortable walking distance of your home. Especially if you walk around a lot. It sort of makes you easy to ID.

Also, what's up with the bank robbing? I know it's romantic and all, but have you looked at the economy lately? Banks are collapsing all over the place! The payoff for a bank robbery wasn't even all that big last year, and it's going to be even worse now. You have a 50/50 chance that the bank will collapse before you can even get a proper plan worked out.

Which brings me to something else. Have a proper plan!

Among other things, a proper plan involves not using a bicycle for your getaway vehicle! Also, you need accomplices. And cool disguises. And intrigue. Nothing is more boring than some jerkass walking up to the teller with a note demanding money.

Look, I know you guys are trying. But you clearly can't handle the whole bank robbery thing, so just cut it out. It's embarrassing.

Reverend Unicow